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The first time I spent an evening with Lily, it wasn’t by choice. People didn’t really choose to hang out with Lily. She was a stuck-up brat from an all-girls school who liked to talk, at a speed faster than human hearing could keep up with, about numerous posh friends of hers that no-one had ever met. Plus, listening to her sing was a painful experience. God knows why she joined Folk Music Society. She probably wanted a safe environment in which to experiment with being all authentic and working class. We let her get on with it.
Anyway, I’d made the mistake of agreeing to be Lily’s plus-one for a house party the International Society had organised (she was from a village in Hampshire) in the hope that she could be left to her own devices while I chatted up, say, eighty Chinese girls.
“You don’t know where the house is. Are you fucking kidding me.”
“I’m not… freaking kidding you at all! My phone battery died! I don’t even know why it died because it was on 35 percent charge when I…”
“You must think I’m a total airhead, Carl. You’re wishing you’d never agreed to come with me, aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not. Well… no, I like your company Lily! I’m just wishing you’d written the address down or something.” I gave her my best attempt at a reassuring smile.
“We could go to the computer cluster and I could check the Facebook event?”
“What? It’s a twenty minute walk. I can’t be arsed walking for twenty minutes.”
“Are you going home then?”
“Can we not just stay in town and get nicely pished for a while, then I haven’t made a pointless train journey?”
She blushed. “I don’t understand why people try to get drunk. I don’t see the attraction?”
“Great. You can drink coke. You can be the designated making-sure-no-one-steals-my-wallet-person.”
We were on our way home, negotiating a complex warren of pedestrian walkways and had just come to a T-junction. Lily and I needed to turn right to get to the train station. The left fork led through a covered passage, past a cheap motel covered in scaffolding, towards some university buildings.
“You know you’re actually pretty cute Lily. Why not just… be happy?”
“You don’t like being happy?”
“You’re completely drunk Carl.”
“Okay, well, that’s a shame. Um. Can you wait here for just two secs?” I pointed to her feet, as if to magically halt them in their tracks.
“Why? Where are you going?”
“Bathroom.” I turned left, away from Lily, and walked a few metres into the passage.
She looked confused.
“You’re going to find somewhere with a bathroom? Well don’t just leave me here!”
“I din’ say that did I?”
“Carl, what are you doing?”
I stood in the corner formed by the wall and a scaffolding board and took out my cock. Normally it took me a little while to get things going when there were people around, but with the amount of alcohol I’d taken on, I was pissing a powerful stream onto the wall almost before my cock was free of my boxers.
I had my back to Lily, but the bluish lighting gave her enough clues as to what I was doing.
“Carl!!” shrieked Lily in a voice that was half whisper, half scream. Then composing herself slightly: “Carl, you can’t just wee against a wall like that!”
“You’re right, peeing on bricks izzz bad idea, lots of splashing.” I took a step backwards and directed my piss in a well-formed arc directly onto the ground. The sound echoed noisily around the confines of the walkway.
“Oh my goodness”, said Lily half under her breath. I looked back over my shoulder at her. She had turned side-on to me and was peering out from under her hand.
“Are you peeking?”
She opened her mouth to say something, shut it again and with a flounce, took several steps away from me. I admired her genuine Ugg boots. And her loose, copper-brown hair. And her bottom. Oh, her peachy little bottom. Lily had a gorgeous hourglass frame with broadish shoulders and hips, but barely any padding on it at all. She probably watched her weight religiously, which was kind of a shame. Another inch all over and she would have been in Greek goddess territory.
“I like your b…oots Lily!”
“Yes. Well. I hate you and everything about you. Carl.”
I finished up and give my cock a generous shaking and just a little bit of a stroke to make absolutely sure.
“My name’s not even Carl,” I shouted back to her.
“Yes it is. I’m sure it is.”
I turned round laughing at her and yanked my zip up as loudly and dramatically as possible. “I know my own name, honey.” She turned up her nose quite visibly at the term of endearment. “Carwyn. S’Welsh. Car is short. I mean, short for Carwyn.”
Her wide gaze fell on the river of piss spreading out across the passage from behind my feet. She seemed oddly fascinated by something.
“Les’s go,” I suggested, approaching her.
“Don’t touch me!”
“Wasn’t gonna touch you. Might catch…” I thought extremely hard. “POSH DISEASE.”
We walked on for a minute or kadıköy escort so in tense silence.
“Have you never pissed outdoors then?”
She hesitated. “Yes I have!” she blurted.
The hint of pride in her voice turned to panic. “Not in the street though! It was on a walk that I was doing for the Duke of Edinburgh award. We had to hide in the bushes when we needed to use the bathroom. It was the WORST THING EVER.”
“Pff. Bushes doesn’t count.”
I looked at her and half-smiled. She looked away quickly, deflated.
“Totally counts,” she muttered.
“Why am I talking about this with you anyway? You’re drunk.”
We got the train home.
“They’ve run out of beer. Well that’s just fucking classic.”
Sebastian from FolkSoc was clearly of the opinion that, when a local independent school organised a fundraising ceilidh and told university students about it, they should make sure it was amply stocked with beer.
“It’s a school, man. They don’t have like, vast walk-in fridges here,” I said.
“I don’t care, I’ll drink warm beer. But that,” he indicated the now beer-free trestle table, “I mean, that wasn’t even a token effort.”
A contingent of Folkies decided to “bugger off to the pub”. I declined to join them, on the grounds that I’d met a red-haired Scottish girl, Erin I think her name was, and needed to keep an eye on her in case her clothes started falling off.
“Can you look after Lily, if you’re staying?” asked Seb.
“Oh, I get to look after Lily? Woohoo.” I waved a tiny invisible flag.
“Yeah. Goody gumdrops. Now is the winter of my discontent made glorious summer.” I looked around. “Is she even still here?”
“Yeah, she’s just gone to the loo, we’re trying to leave before she gets back.”
“Okay. I’ll look after Lily.”
“Magic, see you on Wednesday.”
The guys left and Lily came back from the toilet and sat down with me and we drank wine and I looked around for Erin.
“Hey, Slut Two!” came a voice from behind us.
Lily spun round in her chair. “Heyyy, Slut One!” OK, that greeting was a new one on me.
“I did not know that you would come,” said Slut One to Lily. She had a thick accent, I guessed German. “This is your boyfriend?”
“No no, this is Carwyn, he’s from FolkSoc. Carwyn, this is Ulrika.”
“Ulrika! Hi! Is that a Swedish name?”
“Uh, German,” she said, and added by way of explanation. “Ulrik-EH. With an ‘air’.”
“Ulrike with an E,” suggested Lily.
“Hi, Ulrike with an E. How you doing, you enjoying the ceilidh?”
“Yah, it’s very new for me, there is nothing like this in Germany.”
“Well, I guess it’s kind of a Celtic thing.”
Lily piped up. “Have you got something to drink, Ulrike?”
“Yah, I’ll bring my glass here. Have you?”
Lily flashed her a tipsy grin. “I am SO DRUNK my darling.” She’d had two glasses of boxed wine at the most. “This is Car’s fault. He got me drunk. Didn’t you Car.”
“I’ve been alone with her for two minutes,” I explained to Ulrike, who smiled knowingly back.
“Jeez La-weez, how is it quarter past 11? This was supposed to finish at 11. Hey Lily, we have to go get the bus, like immediately now.” I was geniunely concerned. Lily pouted at me. “Come onnn,” I pleaded.
Lily and Ulrike said an elaborate goodbye to each other full of hugging and air-kissing, and then we all walked off in the same direction out of the building. There were a few folks dotted around the courtyard. Lily started drifting away from us towards the block that had the toilets in.
“Lily! We have to leave now! The bus is in eight minutes, you can have a pee when you get home.”
Lily blushed and turned pleading eyes to Ulrike, who shrugged. “If you walk quickly, maybe there is time to piss while you wait for the bus?”
“What?! There’s no bathroom there!”
“Come on ladies, keep walking!” I said. Ulrike headed out onto the street with me, and Lily reluctantly followed.
“Ulrike, seriously, what am I going to do, there are no bathrooms anywhere?” The girls stopped, realising they needed to head in opposite directions.
“If it happens that you’re going to piss in your clothes, then rather piss on the ground.” I loved how Ulrike made it sound so simple.
“I’m not p… I’m not going to the bathroom when there isn’t a bathroom!” Lily stage-whispered.
“Why not, it’s nothing embarrassing.”
“Lily!” I half-shouted. “There’s no time for discussions! We need to go /now/!”
“Okay okay! Bye Ulrike.” She hugged the German girl again. I pulled her away by the arm and we set off at a brisk march towards the bus stop. We made it, just – the bus caught us up while we were still a stone’s throw from the stop, but we waved desperately at it and to our relief, it was stopping anyway to let someone off. We scrambled aboard, and Lily insisted that we sat at the front. Throughout the ten-minute journey she alternated between crossing and uncrossing kağıthane escort her legs in as ladylike a manner as possible, complaining to me that I hadn’t let her use the bathroom at the school, and giving me a rapid-fire synopsis of the IntSoc social at which she’d met Ulrike, and how there was a Dutch guy there that turned out to be a housemate of someone on her English Lit course, and how /they’d/ met each other because they’d both been giving out leaflets for – no, wait, that was a different guy, the Dutch guy’s housemate was a first year who was staying in a residential flat and not in halls because he was a vegetarian and he didn’t like the meal options they had in halls and so anyway, the Dutch guy knew Ulrike’s friend who was the IntSoc treasurer although actually Lily didn’t think she was a very good treasurer and oh my goodness why didn’t I let her use the bathroom this is so embarrassing…
I tuned out.
We got off the bus on the opposite side of a dual carriageway from the street where we both lived, and made our way down the steps to the underpass. Would Lily really think about taking Ulrike’s advice? She seemed way too refined to do anything like that. But still, she was being a pain in the arse, not to mention blaming me for her predicament, and I thought I’d just push her a little further.
I stopped at the bottom of the steps. Lily was already out of sight around the corner. It was dark – the lights in the underpass hadn’t worked for God knows how long – and there was a conveniently placed storm drain stretching across the entrance. I edged up to the wall, took out my cock and aimed it downwards at the drain.
“Car?” called out Lily, realising I was no longer accompanying her. She retraced her steps, peered around the corner and caught sight of me propping myself against the wall with one hand, my cock concealed in the other. “Car, are you okay?”
“I’m fine Lily. I’m perfec’ly peachy. Just examinin’ this bit of wall.” Come on bladder…
“Car, what are you doing? You know I need to get home! Why have we stopped?”
I let out a splash of pee that hit the metal drain with a very audible ping. Then another. Then a splashy golden stream.
“Oh Carrrr! You’re having a wee aren’t you? You are so terrible! And UNFAIR! And aaaaaagggh…” She bent double as the urge to pee intensified. “Car, you’re making me need to go too.” Her voice sounded a little choked, and I felt a brief pang of guilt. Then again…
“I’m not stopping you, Lily!”
“Shut up! Shut UP!” She walked up and down alongside me with tiny delicate steps, then looked up at the street above. “Someone’s coming Car!” I shut the stream off and stuffed my cock back into my pants – almost in that order – and sprinted to the other end of the underpass.
“Wait!” I waited. Lily hobbled up to me. Hers was the only set of footsteps.
“There’s no-one coming is there?” Lily had tricked me.
“No, there isn’t.” She looked pleased with herself for a second, and looked very deliberately at the tiny dark spot on my jeans. “Aw no, you’ve wet yourself. Poor Carwyn.”
I flicked her a succession of V’s. “I take it you’re not going to take Ulrike’s advice yourself?”
“Of course not. I can make it home. It’s only – aaaaah – ten minutes’ walk. Come on.”
We headed up out of the underpass and along our street. Lily was clenching her legs together and exhaling deeply with every few steps.
“Lily… we’re nearly at my place. Come in and use the loo?”
“Ugh. Fine. FINE. I hope it’s clean. Are there girls in your house?” She visibly relaxed despite her disdainful tone.
We got inside and I showed her to the bathroom. I hovered in the doorway. “Hey, since you cut off my stream just now, you think I could piss in the sink while you use the toilet?”
“I know that’s what you girls do when you go to the loo together.”
“No we don’t! Get out!” Lily literally shoved me backwards and slammed the bathroom door in my face. Then, after a second: “Car, why is there no lock on the dooooor!! Hold the door closed for me!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. No-one’s going to come in. We all know to…”
“HOLD THE DOOR CLOSED!!”
I held the door closed and almost immediately heard the divine sound of her powerful stream echoing around the bowl. Then just as suddenly, it stopped.
“I can’t stop listening. I mean, I can’t hold the door closed and not hear you.”
“Car, you are, absolutely, /impossible/.” There was a loud splash and the hissing started up again. “Can you please just sing to yourself or something?”
“Right. La la la la la. I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…”
There was a flush and the sound of running water and Lily appeared in the door. She looked relieved. She was smiling! “Hey!” She hiccuped. “Oh my goodness. I feel really drunk now.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and buried her face in my chest.
“Ah, good evening dear lady!” It was Dominic. Dominic liked to wear interesting hats and call people dear kartal escort lady. He smiled. “A friend of Mr. Carwyn, are we?”
Lily straightened up and pushed me away. “No. I mean… no! I just dropped in to… I just dropped in for a second.”
“Absolutely, absolutely. Excuse me.” Dominic excuse-me’d past us, beaming benevolently, and shut himself in the bathroom.
“Bastard, it was my turn.”
Lily looked down at the floor tiles, embarrassed. “I’m going now,” she said.
“Right. Uh, have a good walk.”
“Okay cool. Bye.” As she reached the living room door, she turned back to me and stiffened. In her poshest voice, she said, “By the way Car, you are in no way whatsoevah too sexy for your shirt.”
[Lily_C has just signed in. Click here to send her a message.]
[L] Hello Carwyn 🙂
[C] hey lily
[C] how goes it?
[L] I’m well thank you, and you?
[C] yh not bad
[L] Glad to hear it.
[L] I wanted to say thank you for helping me out last night. Sorry if I was being difficult.
[L] You have a nice clean bathroom 🙂
[C] ur welcome
[L] So, Wednesday evening, I wanted to sing something on my own.
[L] And I heard this cool folky song in the diner, and I Googled it and it turned out to be by a Scottish band called Belle and Sebastian.
[L] Are you familiar with them?
[C] belle and seb yeah
[C] not sure they really qualify as folk…
[L] This song sounded like one of the ones Paco was playing last week. I’ve forgotten the title.
[L] The last words were “meet you at the statue in an hour”.
[L] Piazza, New York Catcher.
[C] piaza new york catcher
[L] Yes 🙂
[C] ok fair enough you could get away with that one
[C] so u want me to learn guitar chords for wednesday?
[C] you know it’s sung by a man to another man right?
[L] That’s okay, I’m sure I can change the words so it’s a woman singing it to another woman.
[C] its like a gay love song or something
[C] cool. respect
[L] Oh, I’m a political lesbian, didn’t you know?
[C] …dare i ask what that is?
[L] Well I identify as queer in support of all the women fighting for equal power dynamics in relationships and respect for their reproductive rights. I’m just not sure how attracted to women I am…
[C] lol yeah bit of a drawbcak
[C] so ur a facebook lesbian
[C] you put on ur fb profile that you like women
[C] but ur secretly hankering after a bit of the cock 😛
[L] You’re just being rude now.
[C] actually there was a thing I forgot to ask about last night
[C] slut 1 and slut 2???
[L] Oh my goodness, did we say that out loud?
[L] Ulrike and I are going on the slutwalk next weekend.
[C] right, so you gave yourselves slut anmes
[L] Shush you 😛
[L] It was her idea.
[L] I have to go; I have a lecture in 5. I’ll see you at the concert.
[C] i would never have guessed that lol
[C] shit yeah that’s tonight isnt it
[C] 7.30 right?
[L] No 7pm.
[C] am sure you said 7.30
[C] ok see ya
Lily and I stood shivering under the Symphony Hall portico. “I don’t understand why no-one else was here,” she complained.
“I swear you said half 7 on the email.”
“I don’t think I did. I know it started at seven o’clock. I…”
“OK, shush, I’ve got a text here from Joe: ‘me Jools n Rob came at half 7 n cudnt get in. went 2 lennons. cu there?’ There you go, you definitely said half 7 on the email, and the guys were here at half 7.”
“Dammit,” said Lily. “I’m sorry Car.”
“It’s okay love, I don’t think it was their kind of music anyway.”
“But there was folk music in it!”
“A symphony based on folk songs – a symphony based on /Czech/ folk songs, played by an orchestra – isn’t the same as folk music.”
Lily looked exasperated. “What are we going to do now?”
“Go to Lennon’s. Find Joe and them.”
We went to Lennon’s. Joe and them were nowhere to be found. I downed one pint under the pretext of waiting for Joe to respond to my text, then another couple on the grounds that the bar was much warmer than the walk to the bus stop and Lily was in an apologetic mood and bought them for me, along with a G&T for herself, while talking my ear off about classical music which was a subject I felt capable of nodding sagely along with.
“Do you know if there’s a toilet nearby?” I asked Lily, knowing perfectly well there were none in the vicinity of the bus stop.
Lily looked teasingly at me. “By that do you mean an actual bathroom, or do you mean an extremely public section of wall in the middle of a street?”
“I am /deeply/ shocked at that remark Lily.”
“Lies. Look over there Car, why it appears to be an extremely public section of wall! I think you should go over there.”
“What, by the mini trees? With all the little spotlights? S’kind of a bit /too/ public.”
“You’re drunk, you don’t care.”
“Not /that/ drunk. ‘Sides. Perfectly good alley over here. B.R.B.”
“Wait. Uh. I need to come too.”
My heart leapt into my mouth. Was she serious?
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